1. Motorbike mags.
So
while you’re between Sunday rides (or, ahem, have a temporary license embarrassment) you can always
read about riding. Of course you gobble
up the new bike reviews and of course it must be gospel because it’s in print
from a reputable publisher, right?
Wrong.
You
need to understand the relationship between mag
publishers and bike makers. The mag relies not just on your measly nine bucks to survive
but more significantly on advertising revenue.
So is a big circulation mag likely to want to
get up manufacturers’ or importers’ noses?
No way José.
Those noses drip dollars as adverstising fees.
I love
reading new bike reviews, for what they skate around or forget to say. Here is my guide to some of their euphemisms.
‘The
steering lock is tight but this is after all a pedigree sportsbike’
= full lock will crush your thumbs against the tank.
‘The bike
mirrors are functional’ = they give you a full view of your elbows.
‘Suspension
is basic but copes well with most conditions’ = suspension is a load of sh*t
‘Buyers
of this marque know that regular maintenance will
keep it in top nick’ = cam belt needs changing every 15,000 km, hydraulics need
bleeding every 1,000 km, etc.
‘This
is a great value all-rounder’ = I (the reviewer) would need to be paid to keep
one in my garage.
‘In
this 2008 update Brand X has made a range of minor but useful changes to this
model’ = they’ve changed the paint job.
The
only mag I know of that resists this kind of
dollar-driven fawning is the
And to
be fair about reviewers’ comments about suspension – and ergonomics by the way
– they don’t usually tell you their height, weight, riding style and roads
ridden. Buyer beware. Which brings me to 2.
2. The
roads tested for the reviews.
With a
big model launch, or with reviewers worth more than their physical weight, the
big makes will put on an overseas trip all expenses paid. So the humble scribe gets flown to a race
track in
Next
day, tired and hung-over, the journo does some rounds of an immaculate track
with technicians hovering around to make suspension and tyre
changes to ensure a glowing review. Now
I may be a tad cynical here, but if I was on the maker’s team, I’d be checking
out the size of the beer gut or the extent of attention to the here and now,
and tweaking the bike like mad to make sure there was glow in the glowing.
Some
launches do include a day on local roads.
So again, as a maker would you be sending out
these hung-over or cynical journos on a crappy C-grade
road clogged with clapped-out Morris Minors or homicidal logging trucks? Methinks not.
You’d pick a baby-bum smooth stretch of twisty black-top with no
surprises, blue skies, mild breezes and a rider refreshment stop every hour
(they have to rehydrate after all).
3. Just
cynicism or what?
I did
once buy a new bike pretty much on the basis of bike mag
reviews. And it wasn’t a good buy. Not least as the reviews said nothing about the ‘reliability’ of this machine. A mag that has its
writers keep a bike for six months and report back on its livability is worth
its twelve bucks.
And apart
from dollar-driven fawning there’s another rarely mentioned aspect.
The
reviewer has his experience and interests, and they create expectations. Encountering a new bike the tester will judge
it in terms of these expectations.
Regrettably, he is rarely explicit about them, and the judgments flow as
if they were pulled out of the ether.
You of
course have your own expectations whether you are conscious of them or not, but
without them matching a reviewer’s, making a decision on the basis of reading
the review is A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
So I
can’t really blame the reviews for my poor choice of bike as I wasn’t as
conscious about my expectations as I should’ve been and didn’t carefully read
between the lines of the various tests.
That
said, journos write no more than stories and not the
gospel truth despite what they may think.
There’s only one writer with dibs on that and as far as I know there are
no bike reviews in the Good Book.
4. World
land speed record.
Referring here to the fastest trip around the world while staying in
touch with the ground. It took around
21 days if memory serves, done by a guy on an R1. His average around the
5. The Dog
and Lemon Guide: the world’s toughest car buyers’ guide, written with wit and
style by complete cynics!
OK, so
occasionally you descend to getting around on four wheels. If you’re in the market for a new or 2nd
hand cage, this book is for you.
The 2007
version runs to 800 pages. The writers
and publisher don’t rely on advertising.
They call it like it is. And they
have good lawyers.
It’s a
guide to more car models than you could pass on a good Sunday ride. It covers second-hand prices, safety ratings,
recalls, and faults, failings and stuff-ups.
It draws on extensive user experience.
It’s a gem. For any given model
the guide sums it up in one of three simple terms: Recommended,
It’s OK, or AVOID IT LIKE THE PLAGUE.
It’s
an annual publication. I found my 2007
issue in the newsagent about the middle of last year at $24.90. It’s published in NZ; see dogandlemon.com
Ern Reeders
©
18.02.08